Today I had a few thoughts about my eyes which I’ve decided to share. These thoughts are my own and are not by any means ‘normal’ but then I rarely care to reminisce on normality. From previous blogs I’ve written you may be aware that for the past fourteen plus years I have suffered with diabetic retinopathy. I’ve written about the various treatments and operations that I’ve undergone. But I haven’t mentioned one significant ongoing result from all of this. I’m usually reminded of this when it’s very sunny outside or when I’m rushed into hospital due to an emergency. The result of all the trauma to both my eyes means that the pupils in my eyes are now ‘fixed’. They refuse to react to any form of bright light.
This fixed factor makes me feel like ….a mogwai ( from the film Gremlins). Told you I’m not going to write about your bog standard normal thoughts! Ok so your probably wondering why a mogwai? I’m not saying I’m furry, fluffy and cute well I’d like to hope I’m still cute but certainly not furry or fluffy! My resemblance to a mogwai is purely the fact that both the mogwai and myself flip out when put in direct bright light. We both need to be kept away from such lights or blaring sunshine. However I do have the upper hand as I can walk outdoors in such sunshine providing I wear sunglasses. More importantly I don’t turn into a gremlin either (honest). I do find it uncomfortable and difficult to keep my eyes open in bright light situations as my pupils no longer react by getting smaller to protect my eyes from the brightness. Fixed pupils mean naked eyes for me.
On occasions when I’ve been rushed into hospital I’m checked, as is every other patient for ‘PEARL’ an assessment to determine if the persons ‘pupils are equal and reactive to light’. The bewildered and sometimes horrified look on the faces of medical staff examining my eyes is striking. Many a stir has been caused on many an occasion. I always say “it’s ok I am alive my pupils don’t want to play anymore and are fixed and therefore non reactive to the light your shinning in my eyes”. The sigh and expression of relief at the explanation is reassuring to both them and myself.
The lyrics from the song ‘Bright Eyes’ always gets me as my eyes don’t feel bright anymore after the past decade and half. They are still blue, the colour was never been damaged but the plastic lens implants and loss of peripheral vision has taken its toll. A quote from Shakespeare, ” The eyes are the window to your soul”. Well I guess my windows are steamy windows now. Thanks Tina Turner.
But despite my misgivings about my ‘worked on’ eyes I do stand by the following concept. Since undergoing all the operations, all the laser burns and countless drops my eyes are not wide shut. I’ll quote Shakespeare once more ” I have no way and therefore want no eyes. I stumbled when I saw. Full oft ’tis seen. Our means secure us and our mere defects prove our commodities” courtesy of King Lear. My eyes may be clothed in defects both inside and out but I can see clearly now the rain has gone…..