I suffer with depression. I have done for many years. I have Type1 Diabetes. I have had this for many many years. They are separate conditions for me. I didn’t choose to become diabetic and I didn’t choose to become depressed. My diabetes didn’t cause my depression and my depression did not cause my diabetes. I don’t miss being non diabetic because I cannot remember anything other than growing up with and always living with my Type1 diabetes. Or am I in denial? I’ve talked about my diabetes in my previous blogs but I haven’t broached the subject of depression yet. It’s a personal subject to discuss. How it affects me differs with how it affects other people as does the way we individually deal or at times don’t deal with it.
At times I feel empty. Empty like the hole in the middle of a cd. When that cd gets stuck and repeats the same bit over and over oh that’s annoying. The guilt that consumes me when I feel utter loneliness yet I’m surrounded by supportive and loving family and friends. I can feel fine for ages then out of the blue I will burst into tears for no apparent reason. That sinking lowly drowning feeling is an area I dislike finding myself in and it’s hard very hard to dig a way out. I have flown over the cuckoos nest. I have felt desperate and helpless. It’s very hard to write honest thoughts and opinions about depression. How it has affected me. Who it makes me become on different days at different times. How open should I be? Well if I can’t be completely honest in this blog then there really is no point writing it. You are able to use Tip-Ex on paper and a delete button on a computer to remove sentences and words that you choose to omit. But there is no Tip-Ex or delete button for depression or for Type1 diabetes either. I get annoyed with my Type1 diabetes but I don’t think I get depressed over it. For me they are separate things that go alongside each other. I get annoyed when people leave my front gate open too!
Depression is like a spider and it’s web. At times I find myself climbing the wall to get out of it! I reach the top corner of the wall and effortlessly remove the web over and over but never the actual spider that’s hiding there somewhere unseen plotting it’s next web. I count myself very lucky that I’m here. Many years ago I was at a dark point, the point of no return and I could not see clearly. I wrote my letters. I attempted. I did not succeed. Was it a cry for help or an actual attempt ? Well the white coats decided. After days in hospital I came home. I came home. Were my actions selfish ? Some think so others disagree. Am I being too honest here?
I want to hide away from the world at times. Shut the door and turn out the lights. I have gone to bed with tears in my eyes and woken in the morning with tear stained cheeks. Now I am able to look at my problems and issues and I compare them to the starving children in the world and war ridden countries consumed in fatality and devastation. Our world can be a cruel place to be.
One thing I’ve found that has helped me when I’m combating depression is to pick up a pen and write. Sometimes it’s just words sometimes sentences or paragraphs. It enables me to get my feelings out. It’s a release and it’s therapeutic for me. I talk about it now to my family and friends I try not to hide it when I feel down. It’s not easy but the more I try the easier it has become to share. Having the ability to talk openly is difficult and only successful when the person your talking to is really listening and yes I said listening I didn’t say understanding as being listened to is what counts you then understand or try to together. And smiling whilst crying inside is possible.
As human beings we fret, fear, cry and scream. We lie we hide our feelings. We make mistakes we have regrets. We feel emotional and physical pain. We deal with things differently in our own way. I am unable to wave a magic wand for my depression or my Type1 diabetes or for anyone else’s. Life is full of hurdles we have to jump and overcome. Sometimes we knock them over as we jump. Sometimes we sail over them. That is life and no one should presume or judge. Never judge a book by its cover they say and I don’t believe we are all truly open books. Read and learn. Read and discover. Read and laugh and cry. Read and share. Read and help and solve if that is an attainable goal. Just try to keep your book open as unwritten pages are waiting all the time.

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